Hammond's Week Off
by Nixa Jane
Summary: While the cat's away--the mice will play. *COMPLETED*
1. MONDAY

Hammond's Week Off by Layton Colt  
  
While the cat's away--the mice will play.  
  
______________________________________________________  
  
Author's Notes: I started this when I couldn't think of anything to do for the next part of A Traditional Stakeout. It's going to be a five part story (short parts). One posted for every day of the work week. Monday-Friday.  
  
This story is almost a parody, and is just for fun. It is not for the serious reader. ______________________________________________________  
  
MONDAY (Daniel)  
  
This is a nightmare. Inconceivable. Not since our little excursion to hell have I been this terrified.  
  
What was the General THINKING?  
  
Jack's smiling at me. Smugly. He's enjoying this. Of course he is.  
  
"Jack," I say patiently. "You can not order me to have fun."  
  
His partner in crime picks up one of the statues from PX4692 and glances up at me. I watch him carefully. "Sure he can, Daniel. We're in charge this week. Haven't you heard?"  
  
Dear god. Earth won't survive this. *I* won't survive this.  
  
What WAS the General thinking?  
  
Did I do something to deserve this? Is it some kind of subtle revenge? Karmic justice?  
  
"I heard," I said warily.  
  
Of course, it took a while to believe it. The idea of Jack and Ferretti in charge of the SGC was a concept my mind found too terrifying to contemplate.  
  
Ferretti is holding the statue at eye level. This is just great. He has the maturity of a twelve year old and he now holds all our lives within his hands.  
  
I take the statue from him and place it back on the desk.  
  
They both grin at me.  
  
"I can see why you might want to stay here and look at nudie statues all day, Daniel, but--" Jack says.  
  
"It's a fertility statue," I snap.  
  
"Sure it is," Ferretti nods.  
  
"Did you need something? Shouldn't you be in the observation room, oh, I don't know, OBSERVING?"  
  
Jack and Ferretti exchange a quick look. "What's to observe?" Jack asked. "There's no teams due back today, and if something goes wrong, we'll head right there."  
  
"Yea, Doc," Ferretti says. "We don't have anything to do."  
  
"Find something," I tell them. Anything but annoying me, if you don't mind.  
  
"We have," Jack grins.  
  
Anything BUT annoying me, I said.  
  
"I'm busy. I have work to do. Work is something those in charge are supposed to approve of--not discourage," I tell them.  
  
I don't think it gets through.  
  
"Come on, Daniel," Jack says. "You work all of the time. I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't make you sure you had some down time."  
  
"These things need to be catalogued, Jack. And then I have to translate the tablets from PX4485. THEN, I have to work on Earnest's notes from Heliopolis. I really don't have time to take a break."  
  
"I'm ordering you to take a break," Jack tells me equably.  
  
"I second that order," Ferretti grins. He's enjoying this almost as much as Jack.  
  
Why couldn't he have put Makepeace in charge? Sure, the guy has no sense of humor, but at least he would leave me alone.  
  
"Alright," I say brightly. "I'll take a break."  
  
They both look at me suspiciously. I don't blame them. I tend to be slightly . . . stubborn.  
  
I get up and move past them, and straight to my coffee machine. I pour myself a cup and lean back against the counter to watch them. "Satisfied?" I ask.  
  
"That's not a break," Jack said.  
  
"It's a coffee break," I explain. "They're really quite common."  
  
"Daniel," Jack sighs.  
  
"Yes, Jack?"  
  
"We're going to go play poker in the rec room. You're coming."  
  
"Ah, no."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"YES."  
  
"Hey, guys," Ferretti breaks in. "Cool it, will ya? I know how to settle this."  
  
I watch him suspiciously, not quite sure what he's up to. I tense as he steps closer to my computer.  
  
"What are you doing?" I demand.  
  
He grabs the cord. "Either you come, or I pull the plug."  
  
"You wouldn't," I say. "I have hours of work on there!"  
  
"You never saved?" Ferretti asks. "Tsk tsk. It would be a shame to lose it all."  
  
"Let go of the cord, Ferretti," I growl.  
  
He just grins wider. I'm reminded of the Ferretti I met on the first trip to Abydos. The one that would push me around--throw my suitcase into the sand and was a general macho idiot. He always was a bit of a bully--even if he did somewhere along the line become my friend.  
  
"I will," he says. "Just as soon as you agree to come with us."  
  
"You'd probably be better off without me there," I tell him. "Wouldn't want to make you and Jack look bad, you know."  
  
Ferretti laughs. "Was that a challenge, Doctor Jackson?"  
  
"No. Actually, it was a statement of fact. I'm quite good at poker. Ask Jack."  
  
Beside me, Jack winces. He doesn't have a fond memory of our first *and* last poker game.  
  
Ever since, he's been rather insistent that we play Gin instead.  
  
"You know, he might be right," Jack says. "Hey, I know, we should play Gin!"  
  
What did I tell you? Who knew intergalactic explorers could be so predictable.  
  
Ferretti frowns. "I'm terrible at Gin," he says.  
  
Jack grins. "I know."  
  
Sounds familiar.  
  
Ferretti's still holding the cord. "Ferretti, let go," I say.  
  
"Oh, right," he says. "I wasn't really going to do it, you know."  
  
I can tell it's going to happen. But before I can even call out a warning-- it's too late.  
  
Ferretti pulls his hand away from the cord, and it gets caught under his arm. The plug gets tugged away from outlet and the Egyptian dancers blink from existence.  
  
I can't move.  
  
Oh god.  
  
HOURS.  
  
I've been cataloguing those artifacts for HOURS.  
  
"FERRETTI!"  
  
They're gone before I can catch them. Both of them running down the hall.  
  
Our fearless leaders.  
  
Have I already asked just what in the HELL the General was thinking?  
  
TBC on TUESDAY. 


	2. TUESDAY

Hammond's Week Off by Layton Colt  
  
While the cat's away--the mice will play.  
  
______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________  
  
TUESDAY (Ferretti)  
  
I check cautiously around the corner.  
  
All clear.  
  
I walk quickly down the hall, barely acknowledging the soldiers nodding their hellos. Don't they see I can't spare time for pleasantries right now?  
  
I'm being HUNTED for Christ sakes.  
  
Granted, the hunter is a young PhD with a deceiving little boy lost aura.  
  
You may wonder why me, a dashing air force Major, is avoiding the little wimpy scientist, am I right?  
  
Well, you've obviously never actually met Daniel.  
  
I didn't quite understand him that first mission, either. I pushed him down, and he stayed down. Let me hit him because he thought he deserved it. But something happened to Daniel that year on Abydos--when we came back, it was easy to see he wasn't the same guy we left behind.  
  
Daniel's a hell of a lot more likely to be the one doing the pushing these days.  
  
And right now, he's looking for ME.  
  
And yea, maybe I've given him a good reason to. But I hadn't meant to pull the plug on his computer like that. Isn't a guy allowed to make a mistake?  
  
Jack apparently doesn't think so, he sold me out. Went to Daniel and told him he was sorry for MY contemptible actions, and that he would do whatever he could to help Daniel redo his work. Then he bribed the kid with a cup of Starbuck's coffee and all was forgiven.  
  
I don't think it will be quite so easy with me. Not even a cup of coffee is going to get me back in his good graces this quickly. I just need to keep out of his way, and wait until he forgets about it.  
  
Right. Ten years from now, it should be safe for me to start sleeping with both my eyes closed.  
  
I pass the gym as I'm wandering the halls, and quickly enter. This is the last place one might find Daniel Jackson, right? Well, at least it used to be. It's probably a hell of a lot more likely now, but he's probably still in his office working on finishing all his work again.  
  
I really do feel bad about that.  
  
But it IS kind of funny.  
  
The gym is pretty much abandoned. Teal'c is the only one here. He's apparently trying to beat the stuffing out of a punching bag--and no, that is not figurative.  
  
"Hey, Teal'c," I say.  
  
Teal'c spares me a glance. "Major Ferretti."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I am hitting a punching bag," he tells me.  
  
Right. "Having fun?"  
  
"I am not," he says.  
  
"Right."  
  
"Can I do something for you, Major Ferretti?"  
  
"Nope, just hanging around."  
  
He raises and eyebrow. "You are attempting to hide from Daniel Jackson," he tells me.  
  
Damn. How'd he know that?  
  
His look turns almost sympathetic. "I would not wish to be in your situation," he says. "Daniel Jackson is most enraged."  
  
Even the big guy's afraid of Daniel. Go figure.  
  
"He'll cool down," I say with much more confidence than I feel.  
  
"I believe that O'Neill has been helping to 'feed the flames.'"  
  
"What?"  
  
"He has not been helping Daniel Jackson to see that your actions were made unwittingly. He has been turning him against you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I am unsure."  
  
Damn. The turncoat. O'Neill wants all the power. That's what this is about. Get me, his temporary second in command, disgraced and he'd have the place all to himself for the rest of the week.  
  
Very clever, Jack, but it isn't going to work. "I've got to make this up to Daniel before things get anymore out of hand," I say.  
  
Maybe I'll get him Starbuck's AND a 5th Avenue.  
  
"That will be exceedingly difficult, Major Ferretti. Daniel Jackson is not pleased with you."  
  
"Yea, but I do stupid stuff like this all the time. He always forgives me."  
  
"Daniel Jackson was working in his office until 5:00 this morning on work he had already completed once," Teal'c tells me sternly.  
  
Uh oh. Doesn't sound like the big guy is very pleased by my actions, either.  
  
"Perhaps it would be best if you were to give Daniel Jackson some time to 'cool down,' as O'Neill says."  
  
"No, that's what HE wants," I tell him.  
  
"To whom are you referring," Teal'c asks.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill, of course," I exclaim. "Haven't you been listening?"  
  
Oh, wait. I don't think I actually said any of that stuff out loud.  
  
Teal'c's left eyebrow has raised to maximum height. I back up from the room. He is loyal to the enemy. I can't talk about this with him.  
  
"I'm . . . um," I motion behind me. Indicating the door, before I turn and jog through it.  
  
This is crazy. The General leaves for a week, a WEEK, to take his grandkids to Disneyland and the whole place falls apart.  
  
Well, okay, that's a BIT of an exaggeration. Jack seems to have things under control. Smug bastard. We were SUPPOSED to be in this together.  
  
I'm just about to reach the corner when an angry voice reaches me.  
  
"I'm going to kill him. When I find him, he is SO dead."  
  
Uh oh. That was Daniel's voice. I've got this horrible feeling he's talking about me.  
  
There's a storage closet to my right. I'm inside before Daniel catches sight of me. Hey, I'm a soldier. I know when to do battle--and I know when it's best to hide.  
  
"And you should," says another voice. A voice that sounds suspiciously like that of my good friend Jack O'Neill. "What he did was extremely childish. I, for one, would never have done such a thing."  
  
"Sure, Jack," Daniel says. "You're a model of maturity."  
  
Burn! Got to give it to the kid, he can trade insults with the best of them.  
  
"Hey, I'm trying to help here." Jack's using his 'wounded' voice. The one only Daniel and occasionally Carter ever fall for.  
  
Daniel isn't buying it today. "You should have helped when Ferretti was threatening to shut down my computer," he snaps.  
  
Jack responds, but the voice has become muffled as the two continue down the hall. I start to leave, deciding it should be safe, when something in the corner catches my eye.  
  
I turn around. Oh my god. Somebody up there loves me.  
  
It's a Super Auto Magic Delux with built in grinder. The coffee machine of champions.  
  
You are so out of your league, O'Neill. Daniel is going to love me.  
  
TBC on WEDNESDAY. 


	3. WEDNESDAY

Hammond's Week Off by Layton Colt  
  
While the cat's away--the mice will play.  
  
______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________  
  
WEDNESDAY (Carter)  
  
"He shoots and he SCORES!"  
  
At the shout, I lose the grip on my beaker and the contents almost spill onto the floor. Damn.  
  
I can't take this anymore. I just . . . I CAN'T. They've been at it for hours now. The ball they're using might be Nerf, but they were managing to make a surprising amount of noise with it.  
  
When they first started up the basketball game next door, I discreetly mentioned it to Colonel O'Neill. Not to be a tattle tell, but I'm doing sensitive work in here--and I've got to keep my concentration.  
  
And what did Colonel O'Neill, temporary commander of the SGC, do? He went to talk to them. And after he was done, they were still playing.  
  
When asked 'what happened?' what did he tell me? He said he decided to let them continue to play, under the condition they call themselves 'The Magnificent O'Neill's.'  
  
They're currently involved in a tense game with the 'Fearsome Ferretti's.'  
  
The Colonel assures me that if his team should lose, he'll be sure to make them stop playing so I'll be able to concentrate again. If they win, he's asked that I put up with it a little longer.  
  
But I CAN'T. I can't put up with it for one more SECOND. I decide that I should head to Daniel's office. Daniel's office is always quiet and relaxing. Even more so lately, as most have been keeping their distance from him.  
  
I haven't gotten the whole story, but apparently Ferretti's in big trouble with him. He must have done something especially stupid this time. Usually Daniel's a better sport than this--and usually he has the presence of mind to refrain from making death threats.  
  
I wince as I approach the door. There's some kind of strange noise coming from inside. So much for peace and quiet.  
  
I open the door. "Daniel, you okay?"  
  
Daniel's kneeling beside the small table in the farthest corner of the room. His eyes locked on some kind of small machine.  
  
"Daniel, what is that?"  
  
He turns and spares me a quick glance. "Oh, hi, Sam. It's a coffee machine," he tells me. There's a strange quality of awe to his voice.  
  
"Where'd you get it?" I ask. "It's so . . ."  
  
"Huge? It makes espresso too," he says with a grin.  
  
"Really? Wow. Where'd you get it?" I ask again.  
  
"Oh, Ferretti got it for me."  
  
Wow. He must have really have been in hot water to give such an expensive peace offering. "So, you and Ferretti are speaking again?"  
  
"After this?" Daniel asks incredulously. "I'd have given my soul for this machine."  
  
"Don't you think that's a little extreme?"  
  
"Sam! Don't you understand what this is? This is the Holy Grail of coffee machines! Ferretti has just been booted up to my favorite person."  
  
I pout. "I thought I was your favorite person."  
  
He glances at me quickly. "When you get me an espresso machine, you'll be my favorite person," he tells me.  
  
"I didn't know you could be bought, Jackson," I say playfully.  
  
He laughs, and fiddles with the settings on the coffee machine. "Everyone has their price, Sam--you've just learned mine."  
  
"So, are you going to share?" I ask.  
  
"Sure," he says. "But, I have to warn you, this is my first time ever making espresso."  
  
"Noted. You get the first cup."  
  
"Right," he says as he gets to his feet. "Maybe I should offer the first cup to Jack."  
  
"Magnificent O'Neill?" I ask.  
  
He gives me a puzzled look. I guess he hasn't heard of the basketball tournament taking place on level 19.  
  
"Never mind," I say.  
  
"So, did you need something?" he asks.  
  
"Nope. Just looking for something to do."  
  
"Well, you didn't really come to the right place," Daniel says regretfully. "We're on stand down until the General returns, and I've pretty much finished up everything I need to do. I still have to go over the notes taken on Heliopolis, but that project would take, well, longer than a lifetime. I can only do so much with it."  
  
"Oh," I say. I'd kind of hoped he'd be working on something. He was always WORKING on something. Figures.  
  
"Maybe we could go watch the volleyball game," Daniel suggests.  
  
"What?" I ask.  
  
"You haven't heard of it? SG-15 and 7 started the game, and now teams 8 and 4 have joined in. They're making a mess of the rec room, but Jack stands by his decision to let them play. He says it's good for morale."  
  
"That's the same thing he said about the basketball game," I tell him.  
  
He doesn't look shocked to learn there is also a basketball game. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised to walk into the lunch room and see the marines bowling down the Jell-O dishes with cheese balls.  
  
"Well, he's probably right," Daniel says reluctantly. "The whole base has been kind of sullen lately. Jack's methods might not be exactly orthodox, but it did the trick. I haven't seen the base in such good spirits since the first time we saved Earth."  
  
Daniel's right, I realize. Maybe I should stop being such a wet blanket and let them have their fun. It won't last long, after all. The General will put a stop to it the moment he returns.  
  
"Yea, I guess so," I say. "But I can't get anything done in my lab with all the racket."  
  
Daniel nods sympathetically. "The triathlons went by an hour ago, I couldn't think until they'd all gone by."  
  
"Triathlons?" I ask dubiously. Surely he must be joking.  
  
"Yep. The marines are competing against the air force. Teams 3 and 5, I believe."  
  
"How are they going to have the swimming competition?"  
  
"PX3179?" he answers.  
  
"And Colonel O'Neill approved this?"  
  
Daniel grins. "It was his idea."  
  
"You can't be serious."  
  
"After this day? It's not as unlikely as you might think."  
  
"They're really going to 'gate to PX3179? Weren't there sharks in that water?"  
  
"Okay, I made that part up. I think they're just going to use the pool on the 26th floor."  
  
"We have a pool?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Really?" I don't know of any pool.  
  
"That's what Makepeace said," Daniel tells me.  
  
"The Colonel's going to have a lot of explaining to do when the General returns."  
  
"Well, with all on world teams on stand down, they needed SOMETHING to do. And I'm just grateful they're being kept busy. Before the SGC first annual Olympics were started, everyone kept coming to bother me."  
  
"The SGC's first annual Olympics?" I repeat.  
  
"Yea, catchy, isn't it?"  
  
Before I can respond, a strange noise gets my attention. I turned to face the espresso machine. It seemed to be . . . growling. Daniel walked over to it, and tried to turn off. The red light remained on, however, then it just kind of went chug, chug, POP. And coffee went all over the walls--and all over Daniel.  
  
Uh oh. So much for your spot as favorite person, Ferretti.  
  
TBC on THURSDAY 


	4. THURSDAY

Hammond's Week Off by Layton Colt  
  
While the cat's away--the mice will play.  
  
______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________  
  
THURSDAY (Jack)  
  
Okay, so maybe things have gotten slightly out of control. Maybe I should have drawn the line at mud wrestling. But if the nurses wanted to do it, who was I to stop them?  
  
Okay, so I should have stopped them. It just didn't seem fair to say no, though--not after I allowed SG-16 to set up the snow machine in storage room 25B.  
  
But the General comes back tomorrow, so I've really got to start getting everything back to normal. I did cancel the basketball tournament. That was an easy enough decision. The supposedly Magnificent O'Neill's couldn't play basketball to save their lives. Damn Ferretti got to Evans first, though, so my team really never stood a chance.  
  
Ah, Ferretti. Poor, poor, stupid Ferretti. Makepeace came to me earlier today, suggesting I might want to put the major in protective custody. Our innocent little Danny is once again out for his blood.  
  
Apparently Ferretti's plan to restore peace blew up in his face. Or rather, in Daniel's face. Carter tells me it was not a pretty sight. Coffee went everywhere. Luckily, it wasn't hot enough to burn, but it was just annoying enough to give Daniel the same expression he got every time we encounter Apophis.  
  
There's a new betting pool circling the base--people are trying to make estimates on Ferretti's life expectancy. So far, it doesn't look good. I figure, before I try to disband the volleyball team and dry out storage room 25B, I should try to get them to play nice. Daniel isn't usually one to hold a grudge, so it shouldn't be too hard to get him and Ferretti back on good terms.  
  
Then I'm going to have to clean up the rest of the base. If I manage to talk Daniel out of killing Ferretti, I might even get them both to help me clean up.  
  
Of course, it doesn't help that I was encouraging Daniel earlier. I couldn't help it though. It's always me that Daniel's mad at, it was nice being the 'good one' for once and I got slightly carried away. Not to mention, while Ferretti was in hiding, I had the base all to myself.  
  
"Oh no," I groan. The yelling voices coming from the gym take away any hope for a quick solution.  
  
"Where the hell did you even get the damn thing, Ferretti? Did you just find it on a street corner somewhere?"  
  
I sneak in. They don't seem to notice me. Daniel looks pretty pissed. Can't really say I blame him. If I didn't need Ferretti's help--I'd leave him to face Daniel alone.  
  
"Of course not!" Ferretti sounds offended. "I found it here on base. In one of the storage rooms."  
  
Oh, he so should have kept that to himself.  
  
"What?" Daniel said incredulously.  
  
"It looked good as new! How was I supposed to know it was broken?"  
  
"Did you ever wonder WHY it might be sitting forgotten in a dark storage room!" Daniel roars.  
  
He's got you there, Lou.  
  
"Well, you didn't actually think I'd bought it, did you? Those things are ridiculously priced."  
  
"No, I just thought you had it and didn't want it anymore--or that you at the very least knew that it WORKED. I guess I overestimated your intelligence. Only a moron would give something they found just laying around as a gift."  
  
Uh oh. Daniel rarely plays the genius card. This isn't good. He's not one to flaunt his intelligence.  
  
"Hey guys," I break in. "What's going on?"  
  
They both turn on me--Ferretti looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights and Daniel looking like the driver about to run over said deer. Purposely.  
  
"Sir," Ferretti says.  
  
Ah, going for the meek soldier act now, are we? You've been a smart ass from the first day we met, Ferretti, don't change now.  
  
"Jack," Daniel snaps.  
  
What did I do? Turn that crazed look back on the one that deserves it, buddy. I haven't done anything--this time, anyway.  
  
"Is there a problem here?" I ask. Okay, so I've slipped into the good soldier role as well. I don't know why. It isn't like it has a calming effect on irate civilians.  
  
"As if you don't know."  
  
My but Daniel's been in a bad mood this week. I can't imagine why.  
  
"Pretend that I don't," I say. I'm being condescending, I know it. I should really know better than to do that with Daniel by now. It only ever makes the problem worse. But it's just so fun.  
  
"Okay," Daniel says with a tight smile. "YOUR friend here gave me a broken coffee machine to make up for erasing HOURS of my work--and it blew up all over my office."  
  
"It wasn't that bad," Ferretti said defensively. "I should know. You made me clean it up."  
  
"Maybe the reason you didn't have much trouble is because the majority of it got on ME. I still have coffee in my EARS!"  
  
"Boys, boys," I say. This earns me a glare from both of them. I've really got to work on playing peacemaker. Being antagonistic just comes so naturally. "Why don't you just let bygones be bygones and help me get the base back in order?"  
  
Daniel snorts at this. "Of course. And there it is. Your hidden agenda. I should have known you weren't really trying to help us sort this out."  
  
"Now, Daniel, that's not fair," I say. "I think that cleaning the mud from the rec room would do us all some good."  
  
"Mud?" Daniel asks.  
  
"Oh, you mean to tell me you missed the wrestling?"  
  
"Wrestling, Jack?"  
  
O-kay. Daniel sounds mad again. This time at me.  
  
"I'm not cleaning up any MUD, Jack," Daniel hisses. "I've put up with enough this week. From the both of you."  
  
"Hey, what did I do?"  
  
"What did you DO? Do you want a list?"  
  
When did Daniel get so sarcastic? Must be Ferretti's influence.  
  
"I don't think you have time to make that list, Daniel, the General will be here by tomorrow," Ferretti says sweetly. He's so going to get his.  
  
"You're probably right, Lou," Daniel says. "Jack doesn't have the time to stand here and listen to that rather lengthy list. You have a lot to do, don't you, Jack?"  
  
"Better get to it, Colonel," Ferretti says with a wide grin.  
  
"I don't know what you're smiling at, Major," I snap. "In case you've forgotten, I out rank you. If I want you to clean up the mud, you will."  
  
Ferretti's smile disappears. That was fun.  
  
"It's a small punishment after all you've done to Daniel," I continue. Well, look at this. I'm turning out to be the hero.  
  
"You do deserve it, Ferretti," Daniel agrees.  
  
Ferretti gives Daniel a wounded look, apparently upset at being back to 'Ferretti.' Serves him right.  
  
"Fine," he says angrily. "But are we at least friends again?"  
  
"We'll always be friends," I tell him gregariously.  
  
He glares at me. "I was talking to Daniel, Colonel."  
  
And now he's mad at me. This being in charge thing is very wearing. I don't know how Hammond does it.  
  
"Yes, Ferretti," Daniel says. "Assuming you intend to buy me a new coffee machine, that is. I gave my old one to Ellie when you gave me what I THOUGHT was such a nice coffee maker."  
  
Ferretti hangs his head. "Sure, Daniel. I'll get you a nice one. it won't be a Super Auto Magic Delux with built in grinder, but I'll make sure it works."  
  
"That would be nice," Daniel says.  
  
"Great! So we're all friends again?" I ask.  
  
Ferretti glares at me. "Whatever you say, SIR. I'm off to the rec room, to clean up YOUR mess."  
  
Ferretti stalks out and I turn to Daniel.  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"I'll tell you what, Jack. You leave me alone for the rest of the day--and clean up your own mess, and we're fine."  
  
"Deal."  
  
Well, if Daniel isn't going to help, maybe I can get Teal'c to give me a hand. I really need someone to help me clean the streamers out of the pool . . .  
  
To Be Concluded on FRIDAY 


	5. FRIDAY

Hammond's Week Off by Layton Colt  
  
While the cat's away--the mice will play.  
  
______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________  
  
FRIDAY (Hammond)  
  
I realize there's something going on with my people the minute I got through the last check point.  
  
The strange glances--hushed whispers.  
  
Oh, Jack, what have you done?  
  
I recall quite clearly the look of utter disbelief on Dr. Jackson's face when I informed him of the temporary commanders. He said that Jack was a great leader, but pairing him with Ferretti was asking for trouble.  
  
I get the feeling maybe he was right.  
  
I'd hoped that the two would work well together. Besides Dr. Jackson, they're the two most experienced gate travelers. They were on the first mission together, and I'd hoped that this would be easy for them.  
  
But I get the feeling maybe I was wrong.  
  
I should have made Makepeace the Colonel's second in command. What was I thinking . . . ?  
  
What in the world . . . I could have sworn I just saw one of Dr. Frazier's nurses run by covered in mud. Just what the hell is going on with my people?  
  
I spot Lieutenant Mason up ahead. He looks at me with wide eyes. Definitely something going on here.  
  
"Lieutenant, do you know where I can find Colonel O'Neill?" I ask.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill, sir?"  
  
Did his voice just *squeak?*  
  
"Yes, Lieutenant," I say, some of my frustration coming through in my voice. "Colonel O'Neill."  
  
"I . . . ah, I believe Colonel O'Neill mentioned something about going to storage room 25B, sir."  
  
"Thank you, Lieutenant."  
  
Storage room 25B. What in god's name would he be doing there?  
  
I change course, and head to the storage room. Maybe he's doing inventory.  
  
Any hopes of finding Jack with a clip board as he counts items are lost as I get closer. I can hear yelling. Laughter. And I'm sure that two of the loudest voices belong to my premiere team.  
  
Why can't things here ever go smoothly? Is one normal day too much to ask?  
  
I haven't even been gone a week. Not even a week. And this is what happens while I'm gone.  
  
I've seen a lot of things here. I've stood looking down from that glass window and watched as team after team disappeared through the 'gate. I've watched as alien refugees, dying soldiers, dying *friends,* have been drug back through.  
  
But this . . . this is unbelievable.  
  
SG-1 and Major Ferretti are involved in a snowball fight. In MY storage room.  
  
Teal'c, Dr. Jackson and Ferretti seem to have ganged up against Jack. Throwing snowball after snowball at him in quick succession. Major Carter appears to be trying to make some sort of snow castle on the other side of the room.  
  
"Just what in Sam Hill is going on here?" I shout.  
  
Everyone freezes. It's quite comical, really. I'm reminded of when I walked in on my girls finger painting my clean white walls with purple.  
  
"Sir," O'Neill recovers first. "Back so early?"  
  
Don't test me, O'Neill.  
  
"General," Dr. Jackson says pleasantly. Then he quickly hides a snowball behind his back when he realizes that isn't doing much to help his innocent act.  
  
"What the hell is going on, Colonel," I demand.  
  
"We're having a snowball fight, sir. You're welcome to join."  
  
Of all the idiotic . . .  
  
"I can SEE that, Colonel. Would you care to explain why?"  
  
"Well, that's a long story," he tells me shamelessly.  
  
"Yea," Dr. Jackson said. "And I get the feeling it is not going to end well."  
  
"I've got the time," I assure. "Start explaining."  
  
"Well . . . um," Jack's explanation falters. It's rare I see my 2IC speechless.  
  
Dr. Jackson is quick to jump in. "There's actually a perfectly logical explanation, sir. You see, SG-16 wanted to enter a snowman competition into the Olympics, so they went and rented a snow machine . . ." he trails off as he catches sight of the look I'm giving him.  
  
"It was a most entertaining event, General Hammond," Teal'c tells me intensely. "Though I believe I enjoyed the 'mud wrestling' more."  
  
"Teal'c," Jack hisses at the same time Major Carter issues a warning "*Teal'c.*"  
  
Oh god. I really did see a mud covered nurse.  
  
"Colonel? The Olympics?"  
  
"A morale building exercise, sir. Got to keep the base in good spirits."  
  
"It really did do wonders, General. Since the Luau, everyone has been much happier AND much more efficient," Dr. Jackson says.  
  
Jack glares at him and angrily hits him in the arm with a snowball.  
  
"Hey!" he yells. "I'm trying to help."  
  
"Luau?" I ask quietly.  
  
"Oops," Dr. Jackson says.  
  
"LUAU?"  
  
"Sir, you have to understand, must of us were on stand down. We needed something to keep us out of trouble," O'Neill says.  
  
"OUT of trouble, Colonel? You don't see mud wrestling, a storage room filled with snow, and a LUAU on a military base as getting into trouble?"  
  
"Don't forget the sporting events," Ferretti calls helpfully.  
  
"Dear lord," I groan. These can not be the only people standing between Earth and total annihilation. We're doomed. All of us. Doomed.  
  
"We needed some fun," the Colonel says. "The teams were losing their spirit. I only did it for the good of Earth, sir. A happy team, is a snake- killin' team."  
  
"If you hadn't saved the world as many times as you have, Colonel, you'd be out of here," I say resignedly.  
  
"Forgive me, sir, but I don't believe having a snowball fight is a court- martialable offense."  
  
"It is when it takes place in an underground facility!"  
  
"Point taken, sir," O'Neill says graciously.  
  
"I want this mess cleaned up, Colonel. As well as anything else you may have done. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, sir," Jack says with a grin.  
  
"And Colonel--"  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"You're going to be going through all the team reports next week for me. ALL of them."  
  
"Sir?" And the grin has disappeared.  
  
"Good day, Colonel."  
  
I turn around and head for the door, quite satisfied with my handling of the situation. I'm just in the doorway when I feel something cold and wet connect with the small of my back.  
  
No. No, they wouldn't. I turn slowly. Five innocent faces stare back unabashedly. It was Jack. Had to be.  
  
I'm just about to add another week to his paper sentence, when I get a better idea. I grin at them. They smile cautiously back, slightly nervous now. Good to know I can still intimidate.  
  
I step back into the room and kneel down. I pick up a small handful of soft snow, press it together--and let it fly.  
  
The End.  
  
I hope you have a great weekend! Poor Jack and Ferretti get to spend theirs cleaning up the base. 


End file.
